OCD - The brain bully

A reason I started Game Changers was to help young people that struggle to access the schooling system. A system that works against them in so many ways and frankly can utterly break some kids. But on this blog, or note, or whatever it is called, I’m not writing about that stuff.

It is a rainy Sunday, and I’m sharing something related to OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I am not here today to profess to be the expert on the condition, as there are much better places that can do that like OCD UK. Their parent group was one of the first places that I realised so many other caregivers were going through a similar OCD journey. We all cried a bit on our first meeting.

Supporting my Autistic, PDA’er son that also has ADHD had been challenging, but I’d educated myself about it. Realised I’m probably Autistic myself. I taught myself not to become defined by the struggles we endure (there is some literature that I found, I will write about on here soon). But that was all before OCD came along.

Even my son says Dad, “I can live with Autism and ADHD. I cannot live like this anymore”. And yes, he’s been hospitalised as a result. We are lucky to have an incredibly supportive and effective team with CAMHS that helped him and our family when he was in crisis. He’s only 10.

Through months of severe and debilitating OCD, I would write words to help me. Sometimes they helped me cry more. Sometimes they helped me think that there will be a better day when this monster of the mind leaves.

Until then I keep writing. I hope it helps you, I hope you can relate to it in some way if you are struggling with this or another debilitating condition that gets in the way of just being a human being in your own home.

OCD - The Brain Bully
- Russell Robinson

Here is a boy, aged only 10,
but his mind’s a cage come 7pm.

He battles on, from night to day.
He says dad "I hate my stupid brain!".

He cries in vain, trapped inside.
Looping chains, they hold so tight.
A father watches, heart in throat.
His fists are clenched at this heartbreaking sight.

This child, so young.
Held by his mind’s own maze.
Dad stands witness to his endless daze.

For the boy, his chasm has become so deep.
OCD tormenting the mind.
When he should be asleep.

Dad, he weeps in hidden space.
“Yes son I heard what you said”
He turns his head away
As warm tears, are silent, streaming his face.

The boy screams out,
"I hate my fucking brain!".
But at 1am on Wednesday his screams find a void.
It’s so mere, the teachers and the doctors are sleeping.
So they cannot hear.

These bars to the brain.
Imagined rules and their consequences.
Hold so tight.
OCD’s relentless grip.
Holding back my son’s life.
This just isn’t right.

Holding hostage.
To all that he loves.
With a black, dark sticky tar like might.\

I’ll swear again, yes you are forewarned.
This not fucking right.
Not at all.
This is just not right.

For what it means to be this boy.
That can’t be happy
in his own body.
at home.

With all the love in the world.
We just can’t make this a home.
We try, this house just isn’t a home.

Yet, in this dark, will a flame ignite.
Some flickering of hope from these long shit nights.

Surely a dawn must follow
each and every dusk,
but what, I ask
In what
do I blindly trust?

I seek keys,
give me keys
to detangle this nightmare.

Another drug trial?
something.
whispers of prayers.

For even caged men they find their release.
Please give my boy his inner peace.
I beg you, please release this boy
From this dark place.
Give this boy his inner peace.

It’s another tough night.
Hold my hand.
And lay with me.
Last night’s chaos, it was fierce.
Again, we’re lost at sea.

But this storm must break.
Mind’s shadows must drift away
Or we’ll make this monster flee.
Your mind one day, shall soar.
Unchained, and free.

Beautifully free.

This journey’s been long
From the darkest of dark.
After 2 years
Can we move slowly.
To light.
From this heavy wet dusk.
Toward something warm

something bright.

Together, young boy.
We'll see our sun.
A bright new chapter.
May have just begun?

For in the end, what's true will reign.
Your brilliant mind, without this pain.
“Like the good old days”
“Before my brain bully decided to stay”.
You so bravely say.

It breaks my heart.

So yes, my son, you live with a rule based maze.
“Like a glitch in the matrix” you also said one day.

But wait
Might we snatch some time.
To analyse.

We tinker with doses from up above.
Could we heal this boy.
With medicine.
And love?

The unsaid vow; is through every trial, no option but to walk each step with you and mile.
I love you.
I’ll carry you one thousand miles.

And I’ll still lay with you.
When there are no smiles.

I haven’t forgotten your beautiful Bowie smile.

So yes it’s darkness now.
It shall lift.
I’m certain it will not outlast.
For whispers say.
This cage of your mind.
Is cast
with breakable glass.

I hear them say,
these are fragile strands.

Well they are no match.
For these gentle scarred hands.

—x—

Dad.

If you or a loved one is suffering from OCD there are some good resources on this site https://www.ocduk.org From ERP, to medication for extreme and debilitating symptoms.

Too many OCD sufferers and their families suffer alone.

Russell Robinson

- Community Director

Whatever it is, sometimes it helps to talk. Some links below.

https://www.ocduk.org/
https://www.papyrus-uk.org/